If you are new to the world of wheelchairs your life has probably been filled with new experiences and new information. Over the years we have learned many things about being in a relationship with someone in a wheelchair. Some lessons have been life altering, some lessons have hurt physically and some lessons leave us in a fit of laughter. Here’s our top 10 list of things we have learned from being a wheelchair spouse.
- People are going to stare; and that’s ok. When we say stares we mean an array of different looks. Some are pity stares, some are curious and some are just downright rude. Continue with confidence and don’t take it personally.
- All spinal cord injuries and people in chairs are different. Before we knew our men on wheels we thought if you were paralyzed it meant from the waist down. Essentially you just couldn’t move your legs. We learned very quickly that this is not the case. Each injury level or disease is as unique as each individual person and story.
- The world is not wheelchair accessible. Next time you go for a walk, bike ride, or drive, take a look around you. Notice the stairs without ramps? Notice the curbs without openings? Notice that the bar your in only has high tables? There is still a lot of work to do to make this world more wheelchair friendly.
- Shit happens… or doesn’t. When you’re in bed, in the car, out for dinner. Same with pee…when you’re least expecting it.
- UTI’s are the man’s version of PMS. Seriously, don’t mess with a man who has a UTI; they are hormonal, they have cramps and they are miserable. And no, throwing chocolate at them doesn’t work.
- Skin issues. Due to limited or zero sensation being aware of cuts, bruises and sores is very important. A skin issue gone unnoticed could be critical and lead to a hospital visit.
- Assume they can do anything without help unless they say otherwise. There is nothing they find more frustrating that people helping them do things that they can do themselves…like open the door, or put their chair in their vehicle.
- It’s ok if it doesn’t work out. A relationship is a relationship and no one should feel pressured to continue one just because your partner is in a chair.
- All jobs are purple jobs. In most relationships there is a division of labor. Guys jobs and girls jobs; blue jobs and pink jobs. But when you’re in a relationship with a person in a wheelchair the blue and pink get combined and every job becomes purple.
- Be aware of where your toes are at all times. Casters hurt… a lot.
Despite our list there are endless things we have learned and continue learning. One thing we can agree on and has been a major life lesson is that dating or marrying someone in a wheelchair is the same as having a relationship with an able bodied person. It may take a little getting used to but soon enough the wheelchair disappears and what you are left with is all the “normal” aspects of living and loving with a significant other.
Pushing on…
Sam & Chelsea
What have you learned from your loved one in a wheelchair? Leave a comment below, we would love to hear about your lessons learned!
My boyfriend, who is a C5/C6 quadriplegic, and I have been dating for about 6 months. This isn’t something I’ve necessarily learned about him, but something that WE learned about me… I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was, for a 5’2″ woman. Everytime I help him in and out of bed, or in and out of his car, he always gets surprised by how easily I lift him out of his car (usually both his mom and sister have to help him).
I’ve also learned that depending on who the person is in the chair, it’s okay to totally joke about some things! My boyfriend always likes to make himself look like the handicapped sign in parking spaces, and he always tricks the kids he talks to at our local driving school that he uses sticks and duck tape to drive his car!
You have made me laugh today which is great cos was having a bad day previously. Have been a paraplegic for 30 yrs now n have chronic pain 24/7
My marriage fell apart just after 25 yrs cos my husband was an alcoholic which I always thought was my fault. I’ve not had the courage to try n date someone else n would welcome any ideas please. Thanks.
Hi everyone,
thanks for the great article. I really saw myself in most of the points. My boyfriend (29 years old, in wheelchair for 18 ys) and I are now for over 2 years a couple. What I learned most since is that there is so much he actually CAN do and to LET him do and to hold myself back. And that people truely are willing to help when there are to many stairs to handle alone or swapping places in restaurants (ok, sometimes it can be really annoying when people are TOO helpful sometimes).
And yes, the stares. But 90% of the time they’re just smiling at us. But NO, you can’t take a picture of us! 😀
Haha! No pictures please! Glad you can relate, Livia! Much love!
Married 29 years, 8 years in a chair: Don’t assume 1 set of bedding and one towel will be enough. Wash day can be every day! Even at 2:00 in the morning. Backpacks become so much better than purses too!! If it’s serious… Be prepared to have your “friends” thin out a bit. It freaks a lot of people out when there’s a person sitting in a wheelchair next to them. But that means more time with your partner!!
My BF is queer with MD, so he can do virtually no chores anyway. I’d like to challenge people on the idea that there are women’s vs. men’s chores, because there aren’t – full stop. “Gendering” chores puts people in boxes, even before we get the chance of thinking outside of the box when learning to date a wheelie.
Good point! Thanks so much for commenting!
Ladies thank you so much for that article. It had my wife years and I in stitches. After almost 9 years of marriage and 5 years of me in my chair every point made us laugh and shout YES!! From the stares to the castors to the…of all things…urine! Keep it up, you’ve got two new followers and thanks for humanizing our relationships.
I admit, the stares sometimes annoy me 🙂
Thank you for your kind words, Jason! Glad we could make you laugh! Thanks for joining us! Much love!
Love this! My hubby was paralysed (t4) in sept 2014 and I had our twins the month after! People never think we are together or he’s their dad. The uti part is spot on 😂 Xx
Lol! Glad you can relate! Thanks for reading and commenting! Much love!
After almost 10 yrs with my husband (met 2 1/2yrs after his accident) I’ve learned while I DO ALOT, and it’s a lot, it pales in comparison to what he goes through daily! He doesn’t stop, he overdoes it, but he doesn’t quit. Works hard, inspires everyone he meets, and never lets his disability (paraplegic) stop him. #7 is so so true! Also for all of you able bodied “helpers” with good intentions…remember, as my husband says, “it’s my legs that don’t work, not my brain! 😊
→ ALL Re: opening doors
¿ With respect to store or office doors , what if one has for decades , been opening or holding such doors for others , regardless of gender , age , or disability ?
Exactly! Haha, thanks for commenting, Haden! Much love
I am in a wheelchair a yr n 3 months ago.. Its been an experience.. So much you take for granted n don’t realize til ooops not happening.. Its scarey at times trying to relearn things again or new things.. I had melt down after melt down.. Its ok just have it start over.. My husband has been a trooper the past year.. We’ve been married 23 years.. He learned all he needed to care for me.. He still gets a little impatient at times.. Understandable.. Going for walks to movie theaters especially like some places you either sit up top by the door at exit n garbage or down front then it’s neck breaking.. My biggest one is the hospitals how really equipped they are a lot of drs offices are too.. So you end up sitting in your chair to get examed.. Hospital testing areas they won’t stop long enough to let you talk them thru transfers which bothers me bad.. And lastly airplanes in case of an emergency really how does a paraplegic get to an exit without being trampled.. You’re the first on last off.. Scarey thought there.. But it is what you make of it.. You can be sad n pity for me or you can cut up and make the worst to a joke.. I was told by an er Dr I’d never walk again.. I told him he better go back to his books cuz I would have grand babies to chase one day… Not wheel them around.. I looked at him said never ILL PROVE YOU WRONG.. I’ve been learning to rewalk since May of this year.. Therapy since Oct my wreck was May 5 2015.. I’m working on it.. I’m gonna do it..
I was also told immediately by Dr that my son will never walk again. He announced this in the waiting room while my son had just been airlifted to ICU. He brought the x-Ray out & held it up to show us. Docs should have classes in etiquette!
The first couple years after injury are the hardest! You can do it! Best of luck to you in your rehab!
have been married to a quadriplegic for 7 years now and I will not change one thing about him. Of course he still dreams of one day getting rid of his power chair but for me, if that never happens, I will be there for him forever and always. BUT if people believe that being married to a man/woman in a chair is easy I’m gonna burst their bubble because it is not. You must be really convinced of what you’re doing, doesn’t matter if family nor friends support you or if they actually don’t. In the end it will be the two of you, and you as a couple alone. It takes a looooong of patience and team work. Yes, it does sound as any other married couple BUT with extra work. It’s very similar to having to take care of a child with the big difference that this child weights 3 times a baby. I am talking about my own experience. Hubby’s SC injuries does not let him to do a lot of things by himself though he helps at home a lot. And of course there is the intimacy. Analyze every little aspect of how life is going to be. In my opinion it is nor fair at all to leave someone just because you wasn’t convinced or because you lied when you said that his/her disability -and all its little unforseen issues- didn’t matter. LOVE. You MUST truly and madly be in real love with this person if you want to have a long-term relationship. And about the strangers’ looks? Who cares? All that matters to me is what God has to say.
All very good points! Thanks for sharing, Angela! Much love!
My son was paralyzed at 15, he has dated an amazing group of young ladies, all excepting of the situation, willing to learn about his condition, and just as drama filled as “normal” relationships.
That’s awesome! Thanks for reading and commenting, Deb!
In my many years of dating and being in relationships, I’ve “written” a book: “101 advantages of being with somebody in a wheelchair. #1: Warming your feet on them in bed because they can’t feel it! !
Haha, best thing ever! Built in foot warmer =). Much love, Nils!
My husband has a spinal cord injury but isn’t in a wheelchair. But his gait is very noticeable and the stares make me so mad. I have a hard time being calm and kind when people are being so awfully rude.
It can definitely be hard sometimes, Erin! We’ve had those moments where you want to say something to someone but bite your tongue instead.
I am your husband & you are just like my husband 😉 I had a spinal cord injury when I was 16, 21 years ago. T12 incomplete. I walk very akward but am very thankful to be walking!
I have learned patience. She can do most things just fine without my help. It just takes a little longer. She is the love of my life and has opened my eyes and educated me on the rudeness of people who do NOT consider the life of those in a chair.
Patience is so important! Good point!
I just tell my wife that I love her when things go wrong.
And she tells me “Hey it’s not so bad, I’m not on the floor!
Purple is our favorite color,but right now everything is blue for now.
If you get someone’s feet with your casters please keep going,
Quick stops leave no escape for those in distress!
And please please continue to drink water!!!Your way dark!!!
We agree, no quick stops with your casters on someones toes! That definitely hurts!
I am in a wheelchair for over 38 years. Beiing married for 45 years. Its NOT a pleasant
jerrney, but your head must be on the right place. U learn each other and learn to do things the best way that suits you both. HARD work and many tears over the years. U learn to stand back, or to look to the other side. Always play things by looking and hearing, at a problem. And there are so many problems come your way, u dont ask for!!! And people dont understand, they acting if u are paralizes from your neck upwords instead of beiing paralized from your legs down.. what a pitty…
Im recently in a wheelchair for a yr n 3 months nope it don’t get easier.. You do gotta keep your head in the humor side of things or it will eat you alive.. I’m learning to rewalk with kafos braces.. I never remember walking being that hard..,but main thing is Keep trying forward..
It does get easier. The first two years are the hardest . Since then i have lived my dream of being a mountain man , running a self sufficient homestead and now a small peach farm. 31 years and counting.
Our men agree, it does get easier! There’s a lot to learn at the beginning and a lot of changes for your body to adapt to, but it WILL get better.
#5 “No, you can’t just throw chocolate at him”. That part made me LOL.
Trust us, we’ve tried! Much love, Michelle!
Thank you again for sharing. You have made me understand what a normal happy life you can have. It may be a little different but it is there to be had if you want it. I really meant it when I said you all have changed my life. Keep on wheel in. Love Teri
Would be awesome to read something like this coming from a guy who dates a girl in wheelchair…
She’s the star of my life. A kind of Polar Star…I am blessed.
Agreed! We will definitely work on that!
I’ll help if you need it! I’ve used a chair due to SCI for 27 years and have been married for almost 14. He’s never known me any other way. And we are freaking adorable;)
#4 is one of the truest statements of all time. Thanks for turning something that is embarrassing for us SCI patients into something humorous and to be able to just brush off (if we’ve found the rig person to date).
Hey Meredith! It’s important to see the humour in those moments and situations because they are definitely not glamorous! It helps ease a bit of the stress and embarrassment.
This one made me chuckle. But I have to disagree with the purple jobs thing. In our house there are very much still blue and pink jobs. I don’t like blue jobs very much! And many of those blue jobs he protects fiercely! And he quite happily leaves those pink jobs for me for my days off! 😉
As he loads 3 days of nursing Tupperware in the dishwasher while dumping out kids 1/2 eaten cereal bowls…….;)