Every parent has hopes and aspirations for their child. From the moment they see that image at their very first ultrasound, they have a picture in their head, an entire storyline of how that baby’s life will play out. From their first steps, to halloween costumes, to family vacations; from the career they will have, to finding the love of their life, to having kids of their own. Every parent wants their child to be smart, independent, successful; to find love and happiness. So what happens when this smart, independent, successful child finds love and happiness with someone in a wheelchair? How does a wheelchair fit into the life our parents have envisioned for us?
Just recently we received a message from a woman who was concerned with how her parents would react when she told them that she was in love with a man in a chair. How would they feel when they found out that their little girl’s life wasn’t going to be exactly how they had envisioned it? We weren’t really sure how to answer. We had never considered how, or if, our men being in wheelchairs had affected our parents and families; so we asked them.
SAM’S PARENTS SAY…
Will he be able to take care of you?
How will he earn a living?
Are you going to have to take care of him?
Can he have kids?
Will he have a lot of medical expenses?
We wanted you to be with someone who could step up to the plate and be there for you and offer assistance when you just couldn’t do it on your own. Someone that accepted you for the strong (stubborn) person you are and work with you as your partner without holding you back. At first I thought you would be the primary care giver; opening doors, helping him in and out of vehicles… but then he bought that darn huge truck and he can get into it easier than I can. That guy can do more and does do more than most able bodied men. Will you struggle? Absolutely, but not all your struggles will be because of Shawn’s wheelchair. With each struggle I’m certain that you both with find a way to make it work or to make it better. I’m so very impressed and proud.
CHELSEA’S PARENTS SAY…
When Chelsea came home and asked my thoughts on dating someone who she had met who was paralyzed, I was a little apprehensive. I had worked at GF Strong on the spinal cord unit for 13 years so had encountered all levels of injury. Our vision for her future was much different than what she was presenting to us. Although I was not fearful of her dating someone with a spinal cord injury, I was concerned as I knew it involved a huge commitment. I brought forward to her the challenges it could bring, bed sores, bladder infections, bowel issues, along with sexual issues and the difficulty she would encounter if they were to want children.Without ever expressing it to her, I had secretly hoped that she would encounter a few of these problems and then realize the commitment would be just too great and that would in turn make her back away from it, but that was not the case.The relationship just grew stronger and deeper and I new at that point that she was going to need our support and strength and that our vision that we had for her was going to change. And so the new vision was born.
What do I think now? As I watch Chelsea and James on their path that the universe so perfectly laid out for them I can’t help reflect back to the days that I questioned if they would be able to sustain the relationship. Those days are distant memories as I watch them empower each other to be the best they can be. Their love for each other is unstoppable and there commitment to each other impeccable. As they move forward through two worlds of disability and ability they do so with grace and conviction. So now, these days, James comes and goes and we don’t see James as the guy in the wheelchair, we just see James, the guy who gave us a new vision.
We can’t say that we are entirely surprised by our parent’s answers. In the beginning there was awkwardness and opinions that went unmentioned. Not only has it been a transition for us, it has also been a transition for our friends and family. But over time and through many experiences (like Chelsea’s dad carrying James up the stairs at their place for dinner, or Sam’s mom realizing that no, Shawn couldn’t go up two stairs at her front door) they have grown to see our men the same way we do. Ultimately, our parents just want us to be happy. They have become more enlightened about spinal cord injuries as the years roll on. We are amazed watching the way their relationships with our men have changed from ones of doubt to ones of acceptance and love.
So, if you’re concerned about a new relationship with someone in a wheelchair and the reaction you will get from your family, remember that you are asking them to change the vision they have had of your life since the day you were born. This will take time, but be patient, because your happiness will be the light that leads them through the change.
So, how does the wheelchair fit into the life that our parents imagined for us? It fits perfectly.
Pushing on…
Sam & Chelsea
Is it hard to get a rply in mail frm ur side…??
Cz i mailed u bt didn’t get any response…
😥
What about the couples who don’t make it BECAUSE one is wheelchair bound? So much rah rah here. So politically polite. As a parent, I would wish the best for the disabled. But I wouldn’t want my child or her children to be collaterally disabled too.
Hey! We are in no way trying to be polite. We are telling stories about our lives; lives in which there is no collateral disability to us or our kids due to our men being in wheelchairs. You’re right, maybe it doesn’t work out for some because of the chair, but that would be their story to tell. We are grateful that our parents were open minded enough to look past the chair and get to know the man, because they then come to realize what we knew all along: our men aren’t disabled, they just can’t walk.
I just love that people expect me to be able to just leave, look when you find a spouse with a disability (wheelchair in this case) we are in it for the long run.
Life has turned upside down, I don’t mind but when your in it. Your in it for the long haul. I love this!!!
Hi ladies, I’m so grateful for both of you, for sharing your stories. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months now and he’s happens to be a paraplegic too, from a snowboarding accident 7 years ago. I adore him to no end, but it’s been hard for my parents, which in turn has made me doubt if we can sustain the relationship or not. I’ve spent many nights googling and reading up articles about living/marrying someone who is paraplegic, and yours came up. I will be reading your other articles too. Thank you for your honesty in these posts.
Hey Rachel! We are so glad you found us! It takes a little while for parents to come around, so give them time and let them get to know your new man. Feel free to email if you have any questions and we will try our best to answer them, or point you to someone who can. Keep in touch =).
Thank you SO much for taking time to respond to us. Sending you much love!
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I have recently started to get to know a guy with spina bifida who is in a wheelchair and this blog has helped alleviate a lot of my questions before they even came up. Its always been in the back of my mind what other people will think but honestly I don’t care because he makes me happy and they will see that in time. Thank you for your inspiring and honest words. You have no idea how much this has helped.
That’s great, Angie! Thank you for you’re kind words! So glad we could help. Much love
When I told my dad my girlfriend was in a wheelchair he was very surprised. He started asking questions, showing concern about how that would affect my life. But later (this was after we got married) admitted (this was after we got married) that he would not be able to do what I did, which we thought was very honest and also meant as a big compliment to me. I was 35 when I met her, so it was not like I crushed the dreams he had for his oldest son (I did that years before when I quit university 😉 )
Very good write-up. I certainly love this site. Keep writing!
Thank for taking the time to read our stories, Stanford! Much love!
Once again you have literally stopped me in my tracks. Your openness and pure honesty bring me to my knees. I can’ t thank you enough for sharing with those of us that need help understanding. You help to stay strong and believe.
Aww, you’re too kind Teri! Your encouragement means a lot to us! Thanks so much!
Hi,
My first time commenting. My boyfriend and I are in our mid thirties.
Your son Nick will find love. I’m dating someone that’s in a wheelchair and he’s dated quite a few ladies way before me. He’s a great guy so I’m not surprised at all. I consider myself lucky to have crossed paths with him. For better or for worse has sped up faster than I thought and that’s okay because I’m ready and he is not his chair. Each relationship has challenges whether or not it’s an able bodied relationship or not. Let your son know to stay positive. ❤
Your posts are so inspirational. I’m the mother of my son Nick who is in a wheelchair. He was injured 5 years ago in a diving accident. At this point he feels no one would want to be in a relationship with him because he’s in a wheelchair. I’ve been sharing your posts with him and I’m hoping one day he will realize that there are women out there that look past the disability and see him for who he really is. Keep up the good work. You’re helping many people out there including me. It makes me feel good to know that one day he may meet someone to spend the rest of his life with. Thanks again, Kathy
Tell him will be so so loved because he will be a true PARTNER to whomever he falls in love with as well as have true empathy and compassion for others. I can’t imagine how he feels specifically but as someone who also has a physical disability, there WILL be a person who comes along and they will love him so fiercely and they will go through so much together that the bond they create will be impossible to break. I am newly married and while things have been a rough ride in all aspects of our life together, I know I have someone who has shown me over and over that he is there for me in sickness and in health and we have gone through so much together. His wheelchair will never impede someone from loving him, it will only strengthen and solidify the relationship with the person who truly deserves him. (I know, it’s so easy to say now as someone who is already married, but I hope someday he can learn to believe it and share the hope and reality with others as well in his future.)
Nick you will find a beautiful girl I am sure, love is love honey! You don’t plan it and you don’t control it, you just open your heart and your soul and it will come, you are beautiful the way you are ❤❤❤
Oh, Kathy! Your message made us stop in our tracks! We are so glad that you have found us and that we can help you (and hopefully Nick!) in some way. A wheelchair will not get in his way as long as he doesn’t let it. Some day, someone will come into his life and his chair won’t exist to her; she will only see him. It will be love and it will be fantastic! So much love to you and Nick and we are keeping our fingers crossed for him!!
heart touching story, i think main thing in a relationship is love. If live is dere den no mater any disablity..
Agreed! Thanks so much for commenting!
Truly touching ladies❤️ In the end we are all just humans … Searching for the love of our lives 😁 Disability or not ~ it’s what’s on the inside that matters. You have both found love and as long as your happy your parents/families will be happy for you !! Kudos to you !! 👊🏼 namaste
Thank you, Tracy! Much love!
Hey. Am in a relationship with a paraplegic and have tons of questions.
Hello! Feel free to email us at and we will try to get you some answers! If we can’t answer it for you, I’m sure we can find someone who can =) Glad to have you with us! Much love!