Wheelie True Stories

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

You can’t even pretend that you didn’t sing that line in your head as you read it! But yes, you read it correctly; we want to talk about sex. We figured we should put this one out there right away; lay it all on the table since right after “You’re such a good person!” always comes, “Does IT still work?”

Keep Calm

SAM SAYS…

Whoa… wait, do I know you?

First things first, is it really any of your business? Although I do admire your total lack of a verbal filter, I’m curious as to what would make you assume that IT doesn’t work? And secondly, in the spirit of “baring it all” (pun intended),

YES IT STILL WORKS!

Now, I don’t think we really need to get into the mechanics of exactly how sex works; pretty sure we have all figured that out. But what is it about a wheelchair that makes a person all of a sudden asexual? And am I now considered asexual as well because my husband is in a chair?S+S

Let me fill you in on a little secret…he’s still a guy for crying out loud! His wheelchair has not robbed him of the fact that he is male. What 30 year old man do you know who doesn’t have and want sex?? So yes, it is most definitely still possible, yes, it is most definitely still pleasurable, and yes, he can most definitely feel it. Is it a little different for us because he can’t move three quarters of his body? Sure, but we’ll get more into that later…

 

CHELSEA SAYS…

Yes it still works…sometimes, unless you are my parents and you are reading this then, NO! It doesn’t work at all! I should also point out that this blog post is sponsored by Cialis…just kidding…sort of.

More often times than not I get the age-old question “Does it still work?” I am a very open person but sometimes it does strike me a bit odd that I am talking about my sex life with a complete stranger. With that being said, I understand the curiosity. Before my life with wheels began I recall asking that same question. I mean, a man not being able to feel his penis would be the end of the world for him, right?

C+JSo to answer the question, for our situation, yes it still works and no he can’t feel it.
I am going to be very honest in saying this was THE BIGGEST concern for me when starting a relationship with James….do we have sex at all? How is IT going to work? What position do you do it in? ect.

It was not an easy transition for me. There were times I was confused, frustrated and sad. You grow up with a pretty clear picture on how sex “should” be, so to have that altered does throw a wrench into things, but one look into James’ eyes and those emotions go out the window…that man makes me melt. I took a huge step back and realized this man and this relationship means more to me than doing it doggy style. After that I opened my mind and was shocked to find out….

I had been doing sex all wrong!

I am a woman after all who grew up in a generation where women have been objectified and I thought it was MY job to please my partner first and foremost because well…that’s just the way it is. Sex now, means so much more, it is about connecting on a deeper level and working together as a team. So yes we do have sex and even though he can’t “feel” it, it is still enjoyable…just ask our neighbors!

There is much more that goes along with sex and disability as this is a pretty hot and steamy topic, however, for now we would just like to answer what seems to be on everyone’s mind. Please know that we are only speaking from our personal experience and cannot speak for everyone with a disability; all injuries and disabilities are different, as are all relationships. With that being said, if you are one of those couples that has accomplished this position:

wheelchair-sex

we would definitely like to chat with you!

Pushing on…

Sam & Chelsea

32 Comments

  • Maggie

    I’m starting to date a amazing man with a C4 spinal cord injury. I am so curious about this, but I also want to be sensitive about it. I dont want him to feel like sex is a make or break it for me. Should I ask him about his abilities, or should I just wait for him to tell me?

    • Sam & Chelsea

      Ask him! It’s so much easier to be up front about it than beat around the bush or wait for him to bring it up!

  • Chelsea, aka Chez

    I am in a same sex relationship with a T2 injury paraplegic. She says it doesn’t feel the same, because she can’t feel from the waist down, but she does get euphoric feelings. I find her sex drive more active then mine, due to me being a survivor of sexual assault. I was guilty of making the misconception that she would have little to no need for sex. We have been together three years now and are still working together to balance these needs. I am the one thats blessed with her patients toward me on this topic.

  • Melissa

    My husband and I have amazing sex! I love the comment: Just ask the neighbors. LOL

    In all seriousness, it’s not quite as spontaneous as AB sex, but the trade-off is mind-blowing.

  • Cindy

    It is good to have a healthy sex life. It will only take a little patience and thoughts of outside the box from the both of you. Different form of positions can help in your therapy. I get my husband involved in helping with my recovery as well as not letting go of what we have after 20 years.

  • Kim

    I am still new to the chair(2 & 1/2 years) and I have asked but doctors are too embrassed to answer. My finacee is very giving. I have offered an open physical relationship but he saya no but I am afraid he will leave in time but he keeps assuring me he won’t. Plus I won’t lie I have urges too even though I am a T6 complete. So I keep looking. Any suggestions are welcomed.

    • Kat

      Hey I’m a T6 complete for 26 years ! I’m 30 and have 2 kids and a very healthy sex life . If you need to chat Kim we can email . Let me know!

      • Meredith

        Hi Kat – I am in a semi-new relationship with a man who has a T5/6 complete SCI and I have a few questions that I am shy about asking. Would you be open to chat via email?

        • Sam & Chelsea

          Hey Meredith! Feel free to email us with any questions if you’d like! Our men are around the same level and we would be happy to answer anything we can! info@wheellove.ca or connect with us on Facebook. Look forward to hearing from you! xo

  • Cindy

    A rare kind of men I do agree! I have found by stretching my legs and getting him involved has helped with the spaticity and it becomes more of a somewhat foreplay for us. Being paraplegic does have its challenges but I try to include him and make it fun for the both of us.

  • Dawn paske

    I have spina bifida and I am a double amputee and people say to me can I have sex and can I have a baby I am married to a able bodied man. I am in a wheelchair.

    • Negar Arvanaghi

      I have spina bifida as well. I’ve been trying to write a romance between an able man and a woman with spina bifida. I have never personally had a boyfriend, but I feel like society expects us not to need/want love, just because we’re paralyzed. I would love to chat more with you!

  • Cindy

    Having been confined to a wheelchair after 2 years and being married 20 years, I have to say I don’t always get this question, if we still have sex! After people around us see how my husband has stayed with me, cared for me and still has that sparkle in his eyes, there’s NO need for them to ask! Right, it’s NONE of anyone’s business but as I know there are others out there that have always wished for a husband as good, loyal and patient as mine. I know when people first saw I was paralyzed, they thought my husband would walk away, as GOD as my witness he has stood there for me and has shown our grown children he took our words at matrimony very serious!

    • Tricia

      So nice to here that. I have been with my hubby for about 17 years in total was paralyzed in 4 yrs ago. I have told him to leave but says no over and over. I just want him to be happy. He says no that he loves me and we have 3 wonderful children that you given me. Just stop it am not going. I know he loves me but not My heart knows he does but my mind wants him to be truly happy!! I am truly happy that he loves me he is my rock!

    • Karen

      Our stories are very simular.. I’ve been married 23 years to my high school sweetheart… My thoughts were exactly what’s he gonna do.. Run run n never look back.. No ma’am he stays by my side thru it all.. He says that’s the least of us.. It was. A year in May.. Still flirts with me and all.. My spastisty makes it impossible.. He’s fine with it.. So I reckon we got a rare breed of good awsome men..

  • wjpeace

    I have been paralyzed since 1978. I got married in the 80s, fathered a a child in 1992, got divorced, earned a PhD, and have worked as an academic for decades. Everything you have written about my ex wife and I were exposed to. rude intrusive questions, false praise, and ableist assumptions on a daily basis.

    • Sam & Chelsea

      It’s true! Although we understand the natural curiosity behind peoples questions, we definitely still shake our heads some times! Thanks for taking the time to read our blog!

  • Jocelyn

    Hey you guys – way to go with the blog, can’t wait to see it grow.
    I’m curious if you have thought about writing a post like this to spouses? I know your blog is meant to be for spouses of people with SCI, so I think it would be interesting to read something written for the people who are developing new long-term relationships with people with SCI – what do YOU both wish you’d known when you first started your relationships with your spouses?

    • Karen

      Well coming from a healthy relationship.. It don’t bother him as much.. But sometimes it drives me crazy.. I miss the closeness.. My spasms in my legs are too bad to fight with even to try.. Its aggregating at times.. I get truly upset about it.. Something I gotta work on.. Need info for both how to and positioning.. Comfort for both..

    • Carrie

      I like your comment Jocelyn, I’m just starting to date a C6-C7 Quadriplegic and have no insight about this. I’ve been trying to find other blogs and articles to help with questions I have. It hasn’t been easy, your blog has been the most informative piece of information that I’ve found. Thank you Thank you for sharing such personal details to help out the rest of us, and to those of you who have also made personal comments too.

    • Julie

      I would love some thoughts on this as well. I’m recently in a relationship with a man who happens to use a chair. He is injured at the T5/T6 level and I’m not sure how to broach the subject of what he sensation he does or does not have when it comes to this stuff. I know I just have to ask but I want to ensure I’m sensitive to the topic and ask the right questions!

  • Kathryn

    This is of course the number one question I get too. You would think having a baby would stop those questions but of course not! Last year when I told my class I was pregnant, I heard a student ask how that is even possible. We also fielded a lot of paternity and conception questions. You’re right, every injury is different just like every person is different in the way they like to do their business.

    • Amy

      My favourite question, once we were pregnant, was – “oh! Is the baby going to be born in a wheelchair too?” I get what you’re asking…but seriously?!

  • Adele Berndt

    Before I met Tyler I was ignorant to a lot of what it means to be in a chair. I am still learning things nearly 2 years later to be honest. I have to say that Tyler was great, he was open and honest and never made me feel stupid for asking stupid questions. Yes I agree that it is none of anyones business what happens in our bedroom, but I think that it is an honest curiosity. Things are a bit different. Things don’t happen in the conventional way. This doesn’t mean that the sex isn’t good! Yes we have sex. And yes it is good! I think that the questions come from a general curiosity of basic mechanics and the loss of sensation. I had these questions, so I don’t begrudge anyone who also has them. The best way to dispel myths and to eradicate stigma is by talking. By educating. By answering questions. By challenging people to think outside the box. Its not a disability, its a new way of living life. Life doesn’t end, and neither does sex. Its just a new way of doing things. And to be honest, its wayyyyy more aggravating when people say stupid things like “he can drive???!!”ds

  • Lynda Baxter

    Well, being the mom of Sam’s husband all I would like to say is I am glad IT still works!! You two girls are awesome and NOT because your men are in chairs but because you are beautiful, talented loving women and are sharing your wisdom with others.

  • Ken

    Hi Girls great job again 🙂 I get that question all the time and I’m a quad “Can you still have sex” I respond you bet I may not be able to feel it, but from before being in a chair my mind still works and get just as aroused and thanks to Cialis even better 🙂 And yes its not all about the sex and how its done it is the connection of two people finding new ways to make it just as enjoyable if not better.

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